Why do I have to love him so much? I ask myself this question daily. A few months ago, I always asked it while sobbing uncontrollably, heartbroken that my friendship with him can never be the same again. Now, I ask it with dry eyes and a mournful grimace, missing him more than I want to admit and wishing I could just move on.
I find myself mourning the loss of his friendship, and then I doubt that I ever really had it at all. Sure, I told him all about my day and the hilarious or awkward things that happened to me, but he almost never reciprocated. I would talk and talk and talk and my incessant chatter would be met by his bemused smile that always affected me so. But half the time, when I ceased talking I was met with... silence. He didn't have much to say to me, or if he did, it was inevitably about how crappy the SPU music department was or how he was exhausted from getting too little sleep. Two topics that I was very familiar with by the end of the year, thanks to him.
But then I think of all the other conversations he and I had. The ones about majoring in theology, and how we both wouldn't consider that as our major because learning dry facts about God and the Bible would only serve to harden our hearts to a true, intimate relationship with Jesus Christ. Or the ones where we discussed how we hoped to raise our kids. Or those lively conversations where we would alternately debate over and agree about certain theological doctrines that had been discussed in my theology class. All these conversations, more than anything else, are what led me to love him, because I saw his heart for the Word and for living a conscientious, godly life.
Being his friend stretched me in ways I had never been stretched before. I matured and grew spiritually more significantly in the past year than in my whole entire life, I think. And of course I don't attribute it solely to him; I know that God works through people and relationships to teach his children lessons. And maybe I just need to realize that most of all. That God used him at a specific time in my life, and that time has expired. It's over. God wants me to take what I've learned and use it in new situations, with new people, in new relationships.
I'm trying to do it, and it's slowly happening, but it's hard. I'm too prone to looking longingly at last year and wishing that I could enjoy that same camaraderie with him in this coming year, minus the awkward, ill-timed romantic aspect of it all. And who knows, maybe I can, but I highly doubt it. I've heard it said that once a friendship progresses to a romantic relationship, it's not possible to revert back to what you had before. Perhaps that's not true in all cases, but it's certainly true--on my end--in this case. I just need to accept that and get over it. Stop mourning someone who is no longer a part of my life to the extent that he once was.
I find myself mourning the loss of his friendship, and then I doubt that I ever really had it at all. Sure, I told him all about my day and the hilarious or awkward things that happened to me, but he almost never reciprocated. I would talk and talk and talk and my incessant chatter would be met by his bemused smile that always affected me so. But half the time, when I ceased talking I was met with... silence. He didn't have much to say to me, or if he did, it was inevitably about how crappy the SPU music department was or how he was exhausted from getting too little sleep. Two topics that I was very familiar with by the end of the year, thanks to him.
But then I think of all the other conversations he and I had. The ones about majoring in theology, and how we both wouldn't consider that as our major because learning dry facts about God and the Bible would only serve to harden our hearts to a true, intimate relationship with Jesus Christ. Or the ones where we discussed how we hoped to raise our kids. Or those lively conversations where we would alternately debate over and agree about certain theological doctrines that had been discussed in my theology class. All these conversations, more than anything else, are what led me to love him, because I saw his heart for the Word and for living a conscientious, godly life.
Being his friend stretched me in ways I had never been stretched before. I matured and grew spiritually more significantly in the past year than in my whole entire life, I think. And of course I don't attribute it solely to him; I know that God works through people and relationships to teach his children lessons. And maybe I just need to realize that most of all. That God used him at a specific time in my life, and that time has expired. It's over. God wants me to take what I've learned and use it in new situations, with new people, in new relationships.
I'm trying to do it, and it's slowly happening, but it's hard. I'm too prone to looking longingly at last year and wishing that I could enjoy that same camaraderie with him in this coming year, minus the awkward, ill-timed romantic aspect of it all. And who knows, maybe I can, but I highly doubt it. I've heard it said that once a friendship progresses to a romantic relationship, it's not possible to revert back to what you had before. Perhaps that's not true in all cases, but it's certainly true--on my end--in this case. I just need to accept that and get over it. Stop mourning someone who is no longer a part of my life to the extent that he once was.
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