Heeheehahahoohoohmmph

I have grease in my hair. It's Pantene's fault.

I popped The Da Vinci Code in my DVD player today, primarily to see the clips of the Louvre so I could point and say, "I'll be there in a month!!!" As the movie progressed, I became disgusted and turned it off. Self-flagellation is not exactly something I would like to watch, thank you very much, much less NAKED self-flagellation during which the camera has to expertly make minute movements to avoid indecent exposure of the actor. Yuck.

I have decided that I am the world's biggest worrywart. And I need to knock it off, or else... well, my life just won't be very happy, that's all. "Do not worry about tomorrow..."

I have resolved to someday belt out a tune with no regard to pitch or aesthetics while driving on a highway with my love interest (watch A Lot Like Love, and it will all make sense). Haha.




And now, on a somewhat heavier note: I'm petrified of this coming year, while also completely ecstatic about it. I'm scared that I won't have the money to pay for rent, food, gas, etc. You know, the basic necessities. I'm scared I'll have to ask my parents for money, which is the absolute last thing I want to do. But, at the same time, I couldn't be happier to be living with some of my best friends. I guess pretty much nothing in this life comes without at least SOME stress or worry. Oh well.

Bring it on.

Crush

This is a true story. I tried to recount it as accurately as I could. Enjoy.)

I am seven years old. Pigtails and ruffled polka-dotted skirts are my fashions of choice. My impossibly young age has not stopped me from falling in love with an older man. He’s nearly ten years old, and I’m a mere seven. The age difference seems a problem that is insurmountable and slightly absurd. But he is in my daydreams, regardless. Brian Rogers. He’s just so cute.

He’s coming over today. To MY house. To play on MY slip ‘n’ slide. I’m the luckiest girl in the world.

Oh! Here he is, with his mom and two brothers. Here he is, blond hair flopping and a toothy grin that makes my heart nearly stop beating. Here he is, holding a box of Oreos, my favorite. How had he known? I beam at him and skip outside, beckoning him--all of them--to follow.

Before I know it, we’re watching Mom turn on the sprinkler and position the slide. We’re wearing our swimsuits. We’re ready. Brian makes the first move—my brave, adorable Brian—and rushes down the yellow slide, dropping to his knees and skidding into the grass. I clap my hands in enthusiasm. The rest of us need no more coaxing. We run, squeal, fall, dive, scrape, slide, scream our way through a hot summer afternoon. I try to catch Brian’s eye every now and then, but mostly I just enjoy playing with him.

Smack! It feels like someone has smashed a hammer into my forehead. I clutch my throbbing head and crumple to the ground, sure that I’m on my deathbed. I open my eyes slightly to see Brian staggering and stumbling his way to his mom. And then I know. Brian and I have accidentally slammed into each other, in exchange for bruises and very sore heads. How very romantic! Amidst my pain, I nearly swoon from pleasure at this realization. I had touched heads with Brian Rogers! This was more than I had ever hoped for or even wanted. Soon, though, my head hurts too much to let me relish this moment. I crawl toward my mom, furiously blinking away the tears, wanting to appear just as strong and brave as Brian and failing miserably. He’s already back on the slip ‘n’ slide. I sit with our moms, enduring the exclamations of pity and distress at my head wound. I lightly touch my forehead and wince at the pain. Inside, I’m thrilled. Who else can say that Brian Rogers gave them a big black bruise? No one, that’s who. Only me, lucky ol’ me.

Today was a perfect day.

Mini-golf and inquisitive children

Listening to the radio the other day, I learned a most useful fact: going mini-golfing on a first date is nothing short of half-witted. The woman who called in "couldn't think of a worse choice for a first date." Her reason? She's terrible at it. Lame. I, for one, think mini-golf would be much more enjoyable than sitting at a table and eating for a few hours. More out-of-the-ordinary, too.

On another note, adorable six-year-old Mari, the girl I babysit, tugged at my neckline and peered down my shirt today, only to exclaim, "What IS that pink thing???" "That pink thing" was my bra, but I was hardly about to tell her that with her two brothers in earshot. So I clutched my neckline back and shrugged my shoulders. She's a knucklehead, that one.

Release

Is it really possible? This feeling of freedom can't be attributed to his absence, can it?

Two nights ago, we went out to dinner. We talked, we laughed, we teased... it was like we were back at SPU grabbing dinner on a weeknight. Then, we hugged and said goodbye. He said, "Don't have too much fun," I said something in return, and then I walked to my car and left. For that next half-hour, I choked down panicky sobs and struggled to see the road before me. I almost turned the car around to return to his house and ask for one more hug. But then, I calmed down and felt peaceful somehow, and the rest of the drive I was fine.

I feel so lighthearted and calm. So worry-free. So NOT SAD when I think about him and my many memories of him. I know three things for a fact: I still love him deeply, I still have very strong feelings for him, and I will still miss him. But now, I've found I can have peace of mind and sanity in addition to those three things. It's all about self-control and not allowing myself to remain stuck in that all-too-familiar rut of an aching heart.

I think of him, and I smile. This is truly a milestone. Now, let's just hope this milestone chooses to remain permanent.

All the world is before me

This is truly a strange time in my life. Everything's happening and nothing's happening. On one hand, I go to World Vision Monday through Friday and monotonously open/sort mail. Hardly my dream job, but it's tolerable when I make conversation with my friend, Hannah, who sits next to me. On the other hand, I'm planning--rather frenziedly--a trip to Europe with my friend, Karen, and scrambling to turn in my grad school applications on time. I'm emailing dozens of people a week, researching European cities and landmarks, and trying to save every last cent rather than spend it on food, clothing, and entertainment. In the meantime, I wait anxiously for Brett to contact me. Every day that passes with no news is getting increasingly more painful. I wonder if he'll even bother to say goodbye to me. I sobbed my eyes out today for about a half-hour. I'm talking gut-wrenching, ragged, death-worthy sobs. He has such a hold on me. It's not fair.

What is love?

He and I talked on the phone the other day. He's "this close" to getting a job near Chicago, teaching preschool by day and maintaining order in a dorm of middle-school boys by night.

Whenever I tell my friends that I love him, they ask me if it's the "real" kind of love, the kind that goes beyond feelings and emotions and becomes something deeper, more lasting, selfless. I always say yes, because, as cliche as it might sound, all I really want is to see him happy and content. If he's meant to be happy and content with me, then it will happen. If he's meant to be happy and content with someone else, someone better suited for him, then I can be happy and content too, knowing that he's with someone he loves who loves him in return.

So... back to our conversation. As we talked and as he told me more details about this job, I felt excitement and anticipation welling within me, as if it were ME road-tripping to Illinois, ME teaching adorable preschoolers, ME making the adventurous and gutsy decision to leave everything I know and be on my own in a new state. Strange, right? I mean, this is my first love we're talking about, the man I am madly in love with, the man I'll potentially never see again. I should be weeping uncontrollably at the thought of his departure.

I went to coffee with a friend a few weeks ago, and she said something very simple but oh so true. Two people can love each other and not be right for each other. That's it. That's all she said. But it brought me comfort.

So, yes, I still suppress romantic feelings for him, I still try to dislodge thoughts of him from my brain, I'm still mildly terrified at the thought of my life without him. No more late night theological conversations, no more driving to Fred Meyer just to be with him, no more anything with him. I think of his smile and a twinge of sadness grips me for a few seconds. I remember the way it felt to throw my arms around his neck and feel his arms encircle my waist in a tender hug. I think of these things and my heart grows heavy momentarily.

He says he loves me. I know I love him. The rest is circumstantial and remains to be seen. But for now, I will send him off with a huge smile and a prayer and probably a few tears in the mix.


"To Make You Smile," Kari Kimmel

You're memorizing the flights, the trains, the numbers
To get you away from here
You got your suitcase all packed, don't know where your going
But you know you can't stay here
You settled into something plain
But you need more color, need more change

If you wake up, and you're happy
Baby it was worth it all
Just to see you smile
If you find out, it was crazy
Baby, I'll be waiting here
Just to make you smile

You got your habits, you've found your way of dealing
So do what you gotta do
Is it something you're running from
Or could there be someone else you're running too
You've got a past you cannot change
So make you're future, don't be late
Just go on your way

If you wake up, and you're happy
Baby it was worth it all
Just to see you smile
If you find out, it was crazy
Baby, I'll be waiting here
Just to make you smile

You're gonna find out on your own
As soon as you walk away from everything you know

If you wake up, and you're happy
Baby it was worth it all
Just to see you smile
If you find out, it was crazy
Baby, I'll be waiting here
Just to make you smile

If you wake up, and you're happy
Baby it was worth it all
Just to see you smile
If you find out, it was crazy
Baby, I'll be waiting here
Just to make you smile

Make you smile, yeah to make you smile
I'll be waiting here
Just to see you smile
Make you smile, yeah to make you smile
I'll be waiting here
Just to make you smile