All the world is before me

This is truly a strange time in my life. Everything's happening and nothing's happening. On one hand, I go to World Vision Monday through Friday and monotonously open/sort mail. Hardly my dream job, but it's tolerable when I make conversation with my friend, Hannah, who sits next to me. On the other hand, I'm planning--rather frenziedly--a trip to Europe with my friend, Karen, and scrambling to turn in my grad school applications on time. I'm emailing dozens of people a week, researching European cities and landmarks, and trying to save every last cent rather than spend it on food, clothing, and entertainment. In the meantime, I wait anxiously for Brett to contact me. Every day that passes with no news is getting increasingly more painful. I wonder if he'll even bother to say goodbye to me. I sobbed my eyes out today for about a half-hour. I'm talking gut-wrenching, ragged, death-worthy sobs. He has such a hold on me. It's not fair.

Two weeks and counting

I did it. I cut my hair. Six inches... GONE, just like that. I still see myself in mirrors and do a double-take. I haven't had short hair like this since I was nine years old, back in the day when I had messy bangs that made me look homeless. I'm not quite sure how I managed to get up the nerve to do this. I have been exceedingly vain about my luxuriant long hair for a long time.

I think I just needed a change. Physically, I mean. Everything else in my life seems to be changing. I'm graduating in two weeks. I have to say a permanent goodbye to my first love. I'll be moving off the SPU campus and into a house in Ballard. I'll be out in "the real world," as they say. And that terrifies me. Maybe cutting my hair was an attempt to create a new me, a more sophisticated, older me. Yet, I still feel like a lonely, scared 21-year-old girl. God, help me.