What is love?

He and I talked on the phone the other day. He's "this close" to getting a job near Chicago, teaching preschool by day and maintaining order in a dorm of middle-school boys by night.

Whenever I tell my friends that I love him, they ask me if it's the "real" kind of love, the kind that goes beyond feelings and emotions and becomes something deeper, more lasting, selfless. I always say yes, because, as cliche as it might sound, all I really want is to see him happy and content. If he's meant to be happy and content with me, then it will happen. If he's meant to be happy and content with someone else, someone better suited for him, then I can be happy and content too, knowing that he's with someone he loves who loves him in return.

So... back to our conversation. As we talked and as he told me more details about this job, I felt excitement and anticipation welling within me, as if it were ME road-tripping to Illinois, ME teaching adorable preschoolers, ME making the adventurous and gutsy decision to leave everything I know and be on my own in a new state. Strange, right? I mean, this is my first love we're talking about, the man I am madly in love with, the man I'll potentially never see again. I should be weeping uncontrollably at the thought of his departure.

I went to coffee with a friend a few weeks ago, and she said something very simple but oh so true. Two people can love each other and not be right for each other. That's it. That's all she said. But it brought me comfort.

So, yes, I still suppress romantic feelings for him, I still try to dislodge thoughts of him from my brain, I'm still mildly terrified at the thought of my life without him. No more late night theological conversations, no more driving to Fred Meyer just to be with him, no more anything with him. I think of his smile and a twinge of sadness grips me for a few seconds. I remember the way it felt to throw my arms around his neck and feel his arms encircle my waist in a tender hug. I think of these things and my heart grows heavy momentarily.

He says he loves me. I know I love him. The rest is circumstantial and remains to be seen. But for now, I will send him off with a huge smile and a prayer and probably a few tears in the mix.


"To Make You Smile," Kari Kimmel

You're memorizing the flights, the trains, the numbers
To get you away from here
You got your suitcase all packed, don't know where your going
But you know you can't stay here
You settled into something plain
But you need more color, need more change

If you wake up, and you're happy
Baby it was worth it all
Just to see you smile
If you find out, it was crazy
Baby, I'll be waiting here
Just to make you smile

You got your habits, you've found your way of dealing
So do what you gotta do
Is it something you're running from
Or could there be someone else you're running too
You've got a past you cannot change
So make you're future, don't be late
Just go on your way

If you wake up, and you're happy
Baby it was worth it all
Just to see you smile
If you find out, it was crazy
Baby, I'll be waiting here
Just to make you smile

You're gonna find out on your own
As soon as you walk away from everything you know

If you wake up, and you're happy
Baby it was worth it all
Just to see you smile
If you find out, it was crazy
Baby, I'll be waiting here
Just to make you smile

If you wake up, and you're happy
Baby it was worth it all
Just to see you smile
If you find out, it was crazy
Baby, I'll be waiting here
Just to make you smile

Make you smile, yeah to make you smile
I'll be waiting here
Just to see you smile
Make you smile, yeah to make you smile
I'll be waiting here
Just to make you smile