Release

Is it really possible? This feeling of freedom can't be attributed to his absence, can it?

Two nights ago, we went out to dinner. We talked, we laughed, we teased... it was like we were back at SPU grabbing dinner on a weeknight. Then, we hugged and said goodbye. He said, "Don't have too much fun," I said something in return, and then I walked to my car and left. For that next half-hour, I choked down panicky sobs and struggled to see the road before me. I almost turned the car around to return to his house and ask for one more hug. But then, I calmed down and felt peaceful somehow, and the rest of the drive I was fine.

I feel so lighthearted and calm. So worry-free. So NOT SAD when I think about him and my many memories of him. I know three things for a fact: I still love him deeply, I still have very strong feelings for him, and I will still miss him. But now, I've found I can have peace of mind and sanity in addition to those three things. It's all about self-control and not allowing myself to remain stuck in that all-too-familiar rut of an aching heart.

I think of him, and I smile. This is truly a milestone. Now, let's just hope this milestone chooses to remain permanent.