Faerie Tale Theatre with Shelley Duvall

While babysitting today, I watched a DVD rendition of The Three Little Pigs. It was part of the Faerie Tale Theatre series that aired in the early '80s. Now, you must understand, I used to watch this series fanatically; I've seen every videotape my library owns. You also must understand that this particular episode I'm about to describe is one of the most ridiculous episodes ever made.

Anyway, I started watching it, while little two-year-old Will played with toys on the floor. Billy Crystal and Jeff Goldblum played the "runt of the litter" and the Big Bad Wolf, respectively. Watching two very well-respected actors make absolute fools of themselves in pig costumes... highly enjoyable, let me tell you.


Here's a choice excerpt from the screenplay for you to enjoy:

(The oldest pig is leaning against a counter. A voluptuous female pig sashays up to him, and a conversation ensues.)

Male pig: "Well HELLO, sweetie sweets! Talk about your prime cuts!"

Female pig: "Cut the bull. Name's Tina - T-I-N-A. May be a small name, but it's attached to a whole lot of lady."

Male pig: "Ooooh. I'm Paul. Paul, Paul, the... pig on the ball. Tell me, Bacon Bits, where have you been all my life?"

Female pig: "Avoidin' wild boys like you."

Male pig: "Ooh, spunky! I like that in a sow. Tell me, uh, Tina, let's say you and me go chew some hay someplace, if you know what I mean."

Female pig: "Well, I think you already bit off more than you can chew, if you know what I mean."

(She discovers he doesn't own a house and rejects him as a result...)

Female pig: (Walking away) "Arrivederci, mon ami."

Male pig: "Yeah, ditto, sweetface."


Horrifying, right? I don't think the screenplay could be any more awful than this. But it's fun to laugh at, that's for sure.