There is an ache inside of me. It's difficult to explain, but so very, very real. It's the ache of rejection, of love not returned. It's the ache of unshed tears that refuse to surface. The battle between what I know is right and what I want so desperately.
Is it wrong that I can still feel his lips on my cheek, the way I felt giddy and weightless and scared all at once?
Is it wrong that I see him smile at someone and my eyes fill with tears as I remember how he used to look at me?
Is it wrong that his name is constantly in my thoughts and no matter how hard I try I can't make it go away?
Part of me hates how much I love him. I hate that I would do anything for him if only he asked me. It's so painful to feel this way and know that he doesn't return the feeling.
I have prayed and prayed about this. God has shown me the countless reasons why I shouldn't be in a relationship with him, and I am fully convinced. And yet, I still cling, cling, CLING. I cried yesterday at the thought of never seeing him again after graduation. Graduation is more than six months away. My utterly pathetic self disgusts me.
I recently decided that I'm going to channel all these unproductive, ridiculous thoughts of him into something worthwhile and meaningful. I'm going to pray for him whenever his name comes to mind. I'm going to pray that he will meet with God in a very real and life-changing way. This is the most I can do, because for whatever reason God has not seen fit to relieve me of these thoughts and feelings. I'm okay with that, though, because I know that He knows what's best for me.
Is it wrong that I can still feel his lips on my cheek, the way I felt giddy and weightless and scared all at once?
Is it wrong that I see him smile at someone and my eyes fill with tears as I remember how he used to look at me?
Is it wrong that his name is constantly in my thoughts and no matter how hard I try I can't make it go away?
Part of me hates how much I love him. I hate that I would do anything for him if only he asked me. It's so painful to feel this way and know that he doesn't return the feeling.
I have prayed and prayed about this. God has shown me the countless reasons why I shouldn't be in a relationship with him, and I am fully convinced. And yet, I still cling, cling, CLING. I cried yesterday at the thought of never seeing him again after graduation. Graduation is more than six months away. My utterly pathetic self disgusts me.
I recently decided that I'm going to channel all these unproductive, ridiculous thoughts of him into something worthwhile and meaningful. I'm going to pray for him whenever his name comes to mind. I'm going to pray that he will meet with God in a very real and life-changing way. This is the most I can do, because for whatever reason God has not seen fit to relieve me of these thoughts and feelings. I'm okay with that, though, because I know that He knows what's best for me.
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